A reflection on 2020 | Oh it's the end of the year, where have you been Farzana?

Photo on 14-04-2020 at 4.19 pm

 My last post was in February, and it's now the 31st of December the end of the year. This year flew by. Sitting here not knowing what to write at this moment, this year has to be one of the most difficult years I have ever had, and I'm sure for so many. I neglected this space.  This year has been like no other in so many ways for me personally in ways I could never imagine - to personal to even dive into online.
friendships to loss of work.  A year where I've felt broken, the choices I made lead me into dark moments mentally from the beginning, the middle and well the end. I would say for me it's been a year of losses. tI's left me feeling quite hopeless it's definitely a year I will always remember and will be with me for the rest of my life. When COVID 19 hit us in March, I spent my birthday alone this year before our first lockdown - I wanted to enter this moment in peace. and the middle of the year, I couldn't even tell you where it all went, it felt like one big emotional blur, my sleeping pattern, to my health to the small routines I usually set in place for myself all mixed into one huge mix-up. It's odd how you can be attached to someone and then not. Covid 19 stopped me from seeing friends and family, but it pushed me to create and pushed me to seek other avenues. The beginning of the Lockdown I pushed myself to be productive and I slowly burnt out. I honestly feel like I didn't accomplish a lot this year and I'm disappointed. I'm hoping the new year REALLY forces something in me to make a change, the constant self-doubt, fear and well procrastination I'm sick of. Having a diary for me this year was my saving grace, not feeling fully comfortable to speak to someone but to write it all down felt lifted. I also documented moments of 2020 and this crazy pandemic with my trusty Tiktok (not vine) Daily dairies. 

This year was also the 3rd (maybe 4th) year where my family and I were in search of a new home, it was imperative that we found one - it got to a point where if we didn't do it now it will NEVER happen. Years of failed house hunting had left us all really deflated, and well it was something that felt like it would never happen. And then nearer to the end of a mad pandemic, life threw me and my family a curveball in the sweetest possible way. We brought a house, after YEARS and YEARS of searching we finally made that leap. I couldn't even tell you how many houses we had seen before the pandemic and during COVID 19 - *we, of course, took safety measures. I can happily say we have been making BIG moves on the house and have been documenting everything on our new IG page - 12doorsdown - catchy right?
I would say this was one of our greatest achievements this year. 

The year of FaceTimes, text catch-ups and virtual check-ins.  Despite the drawbacks of 2020, I have gained an understanding of who was there for me and who wasn't. The choices I made and how it would affect me and those around me.

Photo 31-12-2020

Just a few camera roll images I loved: (updating)

every end of the year, I make a list of things I have learnt.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT if you feel something is wrong to rethink your actions.

The people you called friends don't always treat you in the way you also treat them.

Sweet words mean nothing - action is everything.

Transparency goes a long way.

Never stop creating, even if you think it's shit it's probably not. 

Your eczema will not stop you from being confident.

Slowly you will find new ways of being.

I learnt that I had amazing friends.

You really do not know what tomorrow brings. so FUCK IT. live your life to the fullest Farzana in the best way you can that doesn't compromise who you are. 

What are some things you learnt this year? 

Love and light to everyone’s lives + A HAPPY NEW YEAR 🥳  TO YOU ALL. HELLO 2020